Imperfection

Dreams

I am a most vivid dreamer. My nights are rich and adventurous, creative, they delve to the depths of my imagination, they reflect my insecurities and represent my spiritual growth. It's rare for me to have a yucky dream, but I do have them, and just try to wake myself up from them.

I like to believe that my dreams represent the growth I have made. As I journeyed through the people-pleasing years of my youth, through that desperate search for acceptance from others, my dreams followed the same yearning and rejected narrative.  Ugh, so painful and self-indulgent.

In reality, now, as my own sense of self has been restored, my dreams reflect that self-assuredness.  Those same dreams are now light-hearted and fun.  I am young and carefree again, uninhibited. They are childlike and sweet. I am accepting, and free.

If I am feeling frustrated and helpless about a situation, perhaps at work, I dream that I explode, I imagine as a reflection of my bottled-up emotions, a release for those tensions.  I dream about conflict at work sometimes, and in them I feel heard and respected (what I’m looking for in my workplace).

And then there are the hilarious and stupid dreams.  Waking up in bed beside John Goodman, what a hoot!!  That must have been some wild night!!  Haha!  Or stalking my best friend (lucky that she's forgiving!!)

Tell me about your dreams. Do you remember them? Are they intense, emotional and painful? Or joyful reflections of your reality?

Today's English Lesson

Dear Son C

There is a big difference between collateral and clitoral, when it comes to damage.

We'll talk later.

Much love,
Mum

Making Over My Life: The Backyard

Everything is fairly stock-standard in a townhouse, same unit design, same interior decor, and same low-maintenance backyard.  As it's not a thoroughfare, it's easy to go a few weeks without even heading out into the backyard.  I've killed a few plants, you know.  I love bonsai, and after little success, my Mum finally gave me the bonsai I couldn't kill:  a plastic one.

I killed it.

So, my concrete backyard, which already received a beautiful makeover a few years ago, looked like this:

Quite boring really, not much to tell.  And, naturally, doesn't see a lot of use.  It's not a huge space, but it's certainly big enough to create an outdoor living area, to expand out from the townhouse dining room.  Ideally, I'd love to open the space up more and create a walk-through effect from the house out, so that the room easily flows from the indoors out. 

First of all, was cleaning the concrete.  The concreted area doesn't drain easily, so builds up quite a mess on it.  See the difference there, where I had already water-blasted?  It was heaps of fun!!

I removed the old plastic chairs, they were disintegrating in the sun, and nobody even liked to sit on them.  The dream is to get a beautiful wooden outdoor setting, but that's down the track a bit.

My favourite part of the garden, a gorgeous wooden-framed mirror also adds an illusion of space, and sits nicely behind the unidentified shrub (which used to be as tall as the house) and overlooks the buddha statue.

Maybe as the weather warms up, we'll spend more time out there.  Just need to get my BBQ back from Miss M!!

xo

Unwanted Change

Make Yourself Happy

Sad Irony

Miss M lost her great-grandfather yesterday. Her father's grandfather passed away, a mere year after he lost his wife, the long-standing love of his life.

I hadn't seen them in years. I met them in my teens, when I dated their grandson. They were spritely then, still enjoying international travel, with a wide and varied social circle. They welcomed me into their family, and I developed a great fondness for them.

Miss M was their first great-grandchild, and although I didn't see them very often, they sent many letters, cards and gifts for her throughout her childhood. I'm sorry that she didn't get to see them more often – they were a wise and compassionate couple and I enjoyed their guidance.

Our last visit to them was seven years ago, when the children were independent enough to get to know them without my encouragement. It was a beautiful visit, and I enjoyed seeing their hometown, and hearing stories of how they established themselves as a young family and built a life together. They were getting older by now, and their travelling time had come to an end.

 

Image credit:  www.fanpop.com

They survived some tragedy in their final years. It wasn't a fair end to a family who had worked so hard, and maintained such dignity throughout their years.

The sad irony to their story is that yesterday was also the anniversary of my grandmother's birth and death, also Miss M's great-grandmother. Miss M was still a toddler when my Grandma passed away, and wouldn't remember my Grandma in intensive care, removing her oxygen mask to play peek-a-book with her only great-grandchild, and getting mad at the nurses who chastised her.

I wouldn't realise until too late that I had such an ally in my Grandma. I still draw much strength from her, long after her passing.

Neither of these events bring me cause for sadness.  I see Mac and Ella as a young couple again, in love and enjoying their spiritual time together, unencumbered by the burdens of a needy family and life.  I see my Grandma as a wise old soul, drinking endless cups of tea and watching over us all still.

The further I move through adulthood, the more I appreciate the wisdom, patience and guidance that the generations before us held. Such a shame that I didn't appreciate and absorb it before now.  At least I got there in the end.